58 Aphorisms
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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give
the wrong answers.
-- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved
in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls
the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
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What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to
do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
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Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio
stations in Chicago...we're one of them."
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With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles
closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there
are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as
progress.
-- Ransom K. Ferm
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Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
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Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound
in the correct screw.
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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal
Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst
movies in the history of the world.
-- Dave Barry
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
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A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.
-- William James
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Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling
down the highway.
-- Andrew Tannenbaum
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
-- Mark Twain
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There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets?
-- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
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If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
if there are men on base.
-- Dave Barry
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I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the
sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker
of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend
their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
-- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
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When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
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Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care
less.
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668: The Neighbor of the Beast
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Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
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Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
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Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
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Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination
to do so.
-- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
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As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that
you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's
important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
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When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman
in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics
or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
-- Quentin Crisp
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Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations,
separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of
another.
-- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
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I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired
of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with
being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being
told that I am!
-- Monty Python
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
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Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
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Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable.
-- John F. Kennedy
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Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I
disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
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Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
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Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
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Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that
way.
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Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
--David Letterman
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Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir,
that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress."
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For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.
-- Johnny Carson
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I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we
lose game five.
-- Charles Barkley
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My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then
I realized that I had no character.
-- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles
Barkley of figure skating"
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The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language
will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good
name and now I am looking for a suitable language.
-- D. E. Knuth, 1967
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A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least
expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
-- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine
of preventive maintenance
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An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and
plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own
cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own
momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports
us.
-- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
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Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But
I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
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Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
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On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to
award."
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The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number
of legs.
-- E. Grebenik
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Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
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Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
-- Old Farmer's Almanac
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G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter
oneself over a wide area."
-- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
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The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
-- Plutarch
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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then
a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
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The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
-- Salvador Dali
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What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of
the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
-- Sigmund Freud
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I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
always worked for me.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
-- Mark Twain
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"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog
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