How to Give Your Cat a Pill
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Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if
you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty."
Drop the pill in its mouth.
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Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.
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Follow same proceedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.
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Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to
get new cat.)
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Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding
position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right
hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw &
pop pill in - quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be
able to see what you are doing. That's just as well.
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Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
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If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.
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Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat &
pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the the boss here anyway?"
Open cat's mouth, take pill & ....Oooops!
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This isn't working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos.
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Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towl. Spread towel on
floor.
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Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.
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Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
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Flatten cat's front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
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Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man - or woman!
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Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at
the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
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Drop pill into cat's mouth & poke gently. Voila! It's done!
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Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
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Take two asprins & lie down.