| If the man is ready (same vice-versa) | 1/4 calories | |
| If the woman is not (same vice-versa) | 274 calories |
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince his partner to let him put it inside.
| Normal size | 22 calories | |
| Oversize | 15 calories | |
| Tremendous | 8 calories | |
| Teensy-weensy | 163 calories |
| Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) | 20 calories | |
| Woman on top, man on bottom (Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) |
25 calories | |
| From the rear (Mysterious variation) | 40 1/2 calories | |
| Standing: Both partners of equal height | 18 calories | |
| Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man | 90 calories | |
| While in traction (very useful during ski season) |
124 calories |
| On a bar stool | 20 calories | |
| Rear of a Honda Civic | 38 calories | |
| In a phone booth, standing | 14 calories | |
| In a phone booth, lying down | 274 calories | |
| On an airliner, aisle seat | 24 calories | |
| On an airliner, middle seat | 42 calories | |
| On an airliner, window seat | 30 calories | |
| On an airliner, in the lavatory | 100 calories |
| Bouncing | 7 calories | |
| Sliding around | 9 calories | |
| Serious Skidding | 12 calories | |
| Full cartwheel | 20 calories | |
| Whiplash | 27 calories | |
| Knee burn | 6 calories | |
| Chafed elbows | 5 calories | |
| Chafed nose | 11 calories |
| Short gasps (per gasp) | 3 calories | |
| Wheezing | 5 calories | |
| Squeals | 4 calories | |
| Ecstatic moaning | 11 calories | |
| Low growling | 8 calories | |
| Squishing | 10 calories | |
| Shouting | 16 calories | |
| Screaming | 18 calories | |
| Urgent begging | 22 calories | |
| Any short speech giving partner directions ("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common examples.) |
25 calories |
| Letting go | 5.5 calories | |
| Controlling yourself | 79 calories | |
| Digging nails into your partner's back | 11 calories | |
| Trembling | 15 calories | |
| Shaking | 20 calories | |
| Shuddering | 25 calories | |
| Trying to keep eyes open | 33 calories |
| Real | 27 calories | |
| Faked | 160 calories |
| Expression didn't change | 1/2 calorie | |
| Face turned purple | 15 calories | |
| Orchestra swelled | 6 calories | |
| Magical explosions | 10 calories | |
| Blazing Sheets | 25 calories | |
| Earth moved | 30 calories | |
| Vesuvius erupted | 47 calories | |
| You began moaning in Latin | 60 calories |
| After orgasm | 1/4 calorie | |
| A few moments before orgasm | 500 calories |
| For women: | ||
| 2 | 14 calories | |
| 5 | 30 calories | |
| 8 | 47 calories | |
| (Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8 orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.) | ||
| For Men: | ||
| 2 | 21 calories | |
| 3 | 39 calories | |
| 4 | 57 calories | |
| (For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears. With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10 orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain damage.) |
| Clitoral. | 15 calories | |
| Vaginal | 21 calories | |
| Penile | 21 calories | |
| Scrotile | 15 calories | |
| Rectal | 25 calories | |
| Oral (can also occur during an especially good meal) |
30 calories |
| During insertion | 2 calories | |
| During intercourse (Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes first.) |
5 calories | |
| During foreplay | 3 calories | |
| Immature ejaculation (Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and throws a tantrum.) |
4 calories |
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the football on tv.
| For Women | ||
| Frustration | 8 calories | |
| Anger | 15 calories | |
| Violent mood swing | 20 calories | |
| Surpressing rage | 25 calories | |
| Not surpressing anger (In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) |
65 calories | |
| For Men: | ||
| Cursing | 10 calories | |
| Apologising | 3 calories | |
| Snivelling | 5 calories | |
| Pleading for mercy | 8 calories | |
| Begging for another chance (Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm after 3 seconds of sex.) |
15 calories |
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for several days. Additional reactions include:
| Swooning | 6 calories | |
| Palpitations | 10 calories | |
| Shortness of breath | 5 calories | |
| Perspiring | 8 calories |
| A less-than-sunny desposition | 1 calorie |
| Un-entwining | 3 calories | |
| Regaining motor control of pevis (After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) |
7 calories | |
| Standing up | 9 calories | |
| Getting some juice | 11 calories |
| After intercourse (Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include snoring.) |
18 calories | |
| During intercourse (Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting dissatisfaction.) |
32 calories | |
| During foreplay (Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of interest.) |
12 calories | |
| Avoiding the wet spot | 80 calories |
| If the woman is ready | 5 calories | |
| If the man is not | 156 calories |
| Regular dream | 2 calories | |
| Wet Dream Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner; Add 20 calories if your partner notices |
16 calories | |
| Wet Trance (Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) |
20 calories |
| Introducing yourself | 3 calories | |
| Overcoming shyness | 8 calories | |
| Swapping partners, willingly | 4 calories | |
| Swapping partners, unwillingly | 62 calories | |
| Jealousy (Partner having more fun than you are) |
16 calories | |
| Mixed doubles | 26 calories | |
| Being nice to everyone | 100 calories | |
| Anger (You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) |
10 calories | |
| Finding your clothes | 5 calories |
| For pleasure only | 6 calories | |
| For exercise, too | 10 calories | |
| For relief from tension | 12 calories | |
| To pass the time | 7 calories | |
| To avoid overeating | 16 calories | |
| To get in touch with inner self | 10 calories | |
| To get in touch with outter self | 10.5 calories | |
| To avoid insanity | 24 calories | |
| To avoid spending money on a date (In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping, and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get warm.) |
9 calories | |
| Using your hand(s) | 11 calories | |
| Using your finger(s) | 9 calories | |
| Using tweezers | 2 calories | |
| Using an inflatable doll | 24 calories | |
| Using Any fruit or vegetable (Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) |
19 calories | |
| Using a vibrator, hand-operated | 12 calories | |
| Using a vibrator, windup | 9 calories | |
| Using a vibrator, electric | 5 calories | |
| Using anything not mentioned here | 50 calories | |
| In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket | 2.5 calories | |
| In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat | 78 calories | |
| In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat | 3 calories |
| Partner hates me for what I did | 4 calories | |
| Partner hates me for what I didn't do | 8 calories | |
| Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual | 10 calories | |
| Climaxing too soon | 5 calories | |
| Climaxing too late | 6 calories | |
| Not climaxing | 20 calories | |
| Partner thinks of me as a sex object | 9 calories | |
| Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object | 47 calories | |
| Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover from orgasm | 88 calories |
| Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm | 6 calories | |
| Stretch marks that look like a plowed field | 8 calories | |
| Penis envy | 72 calories | |
| Body odor of a disgruntled yak | 25 calories |
| By partner's spouse | 60 calories | |
| By your spouse | 60.5 calories | |
| Trying to explain | 165 calories | |
| Stuttering | 28 calories | |
| Throwing up (Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed) |
40 calories |
| Trying to remain calm | 100 calories | |
| Fright (includes trembling) | 66 calories | |
| Leaping out of bed | 25 calories | |
| Getting dressed in one large motion | 300 calories | |
| Thanking partner quickly | 2 calories | |
| Jumping out of window add 5 calories if window wasn't open |
15 calories | |
| Landing | 1 calorie | |
| Running very fast | 50 calories |