Psychiatric Hotline: Ring, ring, click...
"If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly."
"If you are co-dependent, have someone else press 2 for you."
"If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4 and 5."
"If you are paranoid-delusional, don't press anything. We know who you are and are having the call traced."
"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press."
"If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what you press; no one will answer anyway."
"If you are delusional and hallucinating, be aware that the thing you're holding on the side of your head is alive and is about to lick your ear."