15. Apple's stock fell only 25% last week.
14. Bill Gates's birthday now a paid holiday for Apple employees.
13. Default Mac startup sound changed to "Taps."
12. Wall Street brokers have stopped using Apple stock certificates as toilet paper.
11. Apple's new slogan: "Almost as good as Windows!"
10. Apple has been bent over with its pants dropped for so long now, even a geek like Bill Gates was bound to get lucky.
9. Cute rainbow-colored apple now inhabited by cute rainbow-colored worm.
8. Microsoft comes out with an operating system incorporating Mac technology... uh, wait a minute...
7. Phone and utilities mysteriously start working again at Apple's corporate HQ.
6. Steve Jobs seen tending bar at the Gates' private lawn party.
5. Diners in Microsoft's staff cafeteria can now enjoy their apple pie purely for its wholesome goodness and no longer as a symbolic act of global domination.
4. Unsold Newtons used as cobblestones in Gates's driveway.
3. Apple Employee of the Month gets to hunt loose change at Bill's house.
2. New Apple employee dress code includes large "Property of B. Gates" tattoo on butt.
1. Bill Gates still burned in effigy, but upper management no longer attends.