Thoughts from Outside:

The Zen of Spam®

by Fuchsia

Well, it's time again to think great thoughts. In these modern (to you Earthlings, anyway) times there are many significant things that deserve consideration.

SPAM is a good place to start if you want to think great thoughts. Open a can. Look at it. Turn the can upside down and hold it above the plate. Listen to the sound it makes as it slithers out of the can and then plunks out onto the plate. Examine it from all angles. Touch it. Smell it. Taste it if you dare.

When you have gotten over your instinctive fear you can begin true contemplation. Start with the physical aspect. What exactly would you call that color? What makes it that color, which occurs nowhere else in the natural world? Probe its texture, which is equally inexplicable.

Now it is time to move on to deeper meanings. There is a kind of jelly coating the block of SPAM, running down its sides to form a puddle on the plate. What is the jelly? For that matter, what does it even resemble? What is its meaning? Was it created to keep the SPAM from bruising? Is it a part of the SPAM itself, or a secretion, or an entirely separate entity?

The SPAM itself. What is it? Is it animal, mineral, vegetable, or something completely different altogether? Why does it come in a block, when no other food substance does?

And now we move on to the hidden truths of the object. What created SPAM? Is it the result of a freak accident? Years of hard labor and research? Spontaneous generation? Divine intervention? What force deemed this stuff to be edible as food, and has possessed humans to treat it as such?

And now we arrive at the final mystery: what does SPAM mean? Is it an anagram of something? An ancient Mesapotamian word? Is it even possible for Humans to know the answer? Meditate on this. Use it as a mantra, chanting it under your breath. Make it a part of your total consciousness. Spamspamspamspam...

This is as far as I got in my meditations. I don't remember anything beyond this; I think I was overcome by the SPAM fumes and passed out. I suppose I was not meant to have this knowledge. If anyone reading this finds the answers, tell me what they are. I'm dying to know.

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