The Brak Show: War Next Door

September 9, 2001

[Fade in on Brak's lower half as the theme music plays. He is bouncing in time with the music. Pan down to the floor, on which the title "Leave it To Brak" appears. Cut to a head-and-shoulders shot of Brak's mother, beside which the words "starring Marsha Crenshaw" appear. Brak's father looks over his newspaper; by his head are the words "George Lowe." Zorak is blasting a backpack-mounted flamethrower, above which are the words "C. Martin Croker." Brak looks around a corner, and on the wall are the words "and Andy Merrill as Brak." Cut to a shot of a very nice, very symmetrical house on a neatly-cut, symmetrical lawn. Dissolve to the first scene of the show.]

[Fade in to Brak and Zorak, who are in Brak's room.]

Brak:

Hey, Zorak, guess what I'm gonna be at the talent show this year.

Zorak:

A loser.

Brak:

[buzzer sound] Wrong! I'm gonna be a potato 'n' sing my amazing potato song.

Zorak:

[sotto voce] Eh, I can't wait not to hear it.

Brak:

Whaddaya mean, aren't'cha gonna be there?

Zorak:

Oh, I'll be there. [softly] Eh, I'll be there.

[With a harp sound, the scene dissolves to a shot of A stage in flames. Screams come from offscreen. Zorak is cackling and shooting fire from a flamethrower. Brak runs across the frame in a burning potato suit, yelling unintelligibly.]

Zorak:

Burn! Burn!

[Wipe to the kitchen. Mom and Dad are sitting at the table.]

Dad:

So then I get a letter that says "Please stop sending deviled eggs to the Bishop."

Mom:

Maybe you need to change your recipe, dear.

Dad:

My recipe is perfect! The bishop is a fool.

[The doorbell rings.]

Dad:

I'll get it. [shouting] Who is it?

Cloneborg:

It is I, Cloneborg.

Dad:

Mother, do we know a mister I. Cloneborg?

Mom:

Well, now, let's see-

[The camera shakes as the sound of something breaking comes from offscreen. A robot wheels into the kitchen.]

Cloneborg:

I have come to destroy you. [bleeps, raises its claws, and snaps them in the air] Prepare to meet your doom, Thundercleese.

Dad:

Whoooa, whoa, hold on there, Steely Dan. I am happy to report I am not Thundercleese.

Mom:

He lives down the street in the big black fortress.

[Cloneborg bleeps, raises its claws, and snaps them in the air.]

Mom:

Out the door and to the left. Y'can't miss it.

[Cloneborg wheels back out of frame.]

Dad:

[sotto voce] Except for that you already did.

[Visible through the window, Cloneborg wheels across the lawn.]

Cloneborg:

[raises its claws and snaps them in the air] Prepare to meet your doom, Thundercleese.

Mom:

Well, he seemed nice enough.

Dad:

[suspiciously] Ohh, does someone have a new boyfriend?

Mom:

Now, honey, all I said was-

Dad:

[interrupting] I may not have seventeen inch claws, but when I grip you, you know that you've been gripped!

[Brak and Zorak walk in.]

Brak:

Good mornin', Mom! Good mornin', DaAAAUGH!

[Brak slips and falls flat on his back.]

Zorak:

[laughs derisively] You fell!

[Brak moans.]

Mom:

Oh, now, look, that Cloneborg left a puddle of oil on my kitchen floor.

Zorak:

Cloneborg? Did he kill anybody?

Dad:

No, he had the wrong address, so we sent him over to Thundercleese's.

Zorak:

Smackdown! Oh yeah!

[Zorak walks out. The door shuts. Seen through the kitchen window, Zorak walks across the yard in the same direction Cloneborg went. There is a sound of lasers, an explosion, and then Zorak flies back across the yard in flames. Now sooty, he comes back into the kitchen. He groans and wobbles.]

Brak:

Zorak, are you all right?

Zorak:

Yeah... I think I -

[Zorak coughs violently. A large pink blob flies out of his mouth and lands on the table.

Mom:

Oh, wait a minute, I'll go get my jar.

Dad:

Again with the jar. What're you doing, building a monster?

[Mom, now holding the blob in one hand, looks at Dad but does not speak.]

Dad:

Oh, that's right, you are. How's that, ah, coming for you?

Mom:

Very nicely, thank you.

[She drops the blob into a jar and puts a lid on it. The blob's wrinkles resolve into a face. It looks around, then speaks with Zorak's voice.]

Carmine:

Finally! Pleh! I was dyin' out there. Hey, sweet cheeks, get me a beer, willya?

Mom:

I have some root beer.

Carmine:

Did I say root beer?!

Brak:

Hey, Zorak, he sounds just like you!

Zorak:

[speaking in a very masculine voice] Yeah, I was just noticing that.

Brak:

And you have a beautiful man voice!

Zorak:

What the hell is going on?

Carmine:

Let me explain, kid. The name's Carmine, that's right, Carmine. I been livin' in your throat for years! When ya took that shot to the neck just now it shook me loose!

Zorak:

Well, this sucks. Pass that jar over, I'm gonna swallow that lump and get my voice back.

Carmine:

That'd be a big mistake, Jack. I can make you rich! And I mean stupid rich.

Zorak:

I'm listening.

Carmine:

That new voice of yours is a gold mine, that's right, a mine fulla gold! Go on, try it out, why don't'cha sing a few bars.

Zorak:

Why don't you bite me?

Carmine:

Let me tell you a little story. Who's your favorite singer?

Brak:

Notorious Fluffy G.

Carmine:

That's right he is! But when I met him, he was a hairball livin' in a fat man's pocket!

Brak:

[awed] Wow!

Carmine:

Then I taught him everything I know! And today, he and his multimillions live in the biggest mansion in mansionland!

Dad:

And you did all this living in Zorak's throat.

Carmine:

Butt out, Gramps, I'm talkin' about Mansionland!

Zorak:

[thoughtfully] Mansionland... hmmm...

Brak:

Go ahead 'n' sing somethin', Zorak. 'Course you won't be as good as me, but then, who is?

Zorak:

I don't know what to sing.

Mom:

Just sing what's in your heart, dear.

Zorak:

All right, you asked for it.
[singing Al Cappella] My heart is full of hatred and loathing
For your ugly faces and stupid, stupid clothing.

Mom:

Oh, Zorak, that was beautiful.

Dad:

If my ears could talk they would say "Thank you, Zorak, you have enriched us both."

Brak:

[sulkily] I didn't think it was so great, I mean, where's the costumes? Where were the flash pots? Where was the dry ice-

[Sisto, A smaller version of Brak with a red harness and boots, walks in.]

Dad:

Whoh! [sniffs] Do I smell the stink of jealousy?

[Sisto farts, propelling himself forward a bit, then walks out of frame.]

Mom:

Zorak, why don't you sing that song tonight at the talent show? You'd be certain to win first prize.

Brak:

Don't you mean second prize, Mom?

Mom:

Of course, dear. [whispering to Zorak] You're going to win.

Carmine:

The broad's right, kid. C'mon, let's go work up a number.

Brak:

[sarcastically] Yeah, Zorak, you go off with your new friend Carmine!

[Zorak, carrying the jar, walks off.]

Brak:

[continuing angrily] But I'll see you tonight at the talent show! And when I say see you I mean see you, buddy, because potatoes have quite a number of eyes! Nyaa nyaah nyaa nyaah nyaah!

[The doorbell rings]

Brak:

[cheerfully] Well, I wonder who that could be?

[Another Cloneborg wheels into the kitchen.]

Cloneborg Two:

It is I, Cloneborg Two! I have come to avenge the death of [raises its claws, snaps them in the air, and bleeps] Cloneborg!

Dad:

Oy [???], not again.

[Wipe to the exterior of the Learnmore High School. The sign in front says "TALENT SHOW TONIGHT 6-8 PM WORD OF THE WEEK IS ! PATIENCE !" As Brak sings, fade to a stage on which Brak, wearing a potato costume, is singing.]

Brak:

[singing] Ohhh, I'm a jolly spud, and people call me Bud.
I live down in the mud with all the other tubers!

[There is a scattering of polite applause. Brak walks offstage, passing by Zorak and Carmine. Carmine is riding in a jar with rockets on the bottom.]

Brak:

[haughtily] Top that, gentlemen.

Carmine:

All right, kid, get out there and wash the stink outta their heads!

[Zorak walks out onto the darkened stage. The microphone whines. The spotlight comes on and the music begins.]

Zorak:

[singing] I wanna kick your ass until your head falls off,
Then I'll kick your head and kick your ass again.

[Brak gapes]

Zorak:

[singing] Why? I don't think it's learned its lesson.
Open the door, sucker, it's Zorak,
Here to kick your ass.

[Applause and whistles]

Zorak:

You're an ugly audience, and I hate you all.

[The stage lights come up.]

Unseen Announcer:

And the winner is... Zorak!

[An oversized check for $25 falls on two ropes behind Zorak.]

Zorak:

I'm not kidding. You make me sick!

[Carmine flies over to Zorak.]

Carmine:

Save some for later, kid. Money!

[Flashbulbs go off, changing the scene to a B&W snapshot.]

Brak:

[backstage, still wearing his potato costume] You guys're kiddin' me! My potato song has won this contest every year! [whispering] This is an outrage!

[Zorak and Carmine are now standing by Brak]

Carmine:

[derisively] Look, Zorak, he's gonna cry!

Zorak:

Yeah, why doesn't he go cry to his Mommy?

Brak:

[yelling] That's exactly what I intend to do! Right after I tell you that we're officially... broken up!

[Brak walks away.]

Carmine:

Well, baby, the sweetbread's in the oven and the sun's comin' up on the cabbage farm!

Zorak:

What does that mean?

Carmine:

Ah, never mind, let's go. I got'cha booked solid for the next three weeks!

[Process shot: Zorak singing superimposed over shots of an airplane taking off, neon sights, and people dancing in a ballroom. Carmine is superimposed over a night street scene with neon signs.]

Carmine:

What a night!

[Zorak is singing into a microphone, superimposed over shots of a train, then some people dancing outside. Stacks of money appears around Carmine's jar.]

Carmine:

Money!

[Zorak, still singing, is superimposed over shots of a ship, then some people dancing very weirdly in front of a small orchestra, and men raising champagne glasses. Carmine floats in front of a bunch of one dollar bills.]

Carmine:

I'm rich!

[The bottom of the jar changes into a small car with rockets for wheels, and a fedora appears above the lid.]

[Wipe to Brak's kitchen. Mom and Dad are at the table, Brak is wearing a beet costume. Seen through the kitchen window, Cloneborg is going by.]

Brak:

Hey, I got another routine to try on you guys, okay?

[We hear the sound of lasers shooting.]

Dad:

Brak, this has been going on for weeks.

[There is an explosion. The camera shakes.]

Dad:

[continuing] I can't take it any more.

Mom:

Now, father. [to Brak] Go ahead, Brak, sing us your little song.

Brak:

[singing Al Cappella] I'm hot for ya, baby,
I'm a pickled beet!
I'm red but not embarrassed
And I am good with meat.
Of course I make an excellent borscht!
And I'm hot for ya, babaaaaah!

Dad:

[folding his arms] Well, you're no Zorak.

Brak:

Aw, man. I give up.

Mom:

Honey, maybe people just don't want their vegetables to sing.

Dad:

Or maybe what you're doing is just no good.

Mom:

You keep at it, Brakkoli. I know you'll come up with something wonderful.

Brak:

[Walking offstage] You know it, baby!

Dad:

[to Mom] I, ah, thought we agreed to stop encouraging him.

[The doorbell rings.]

Dad:

Mother, did you put the sign up like I told you?

Mom:

Oh, dear, I forgot.

[Another Cloneborg wheels into the kitchen and bleeps as he looks around.]

Cloneborg One Six Seven:

I am Cloneborg One Six Seven. [beeps as he raises and snaps his claws] I have come to-

Dad:

[interrupting] That's nice, down the street, on the left!

[Wipe to Zorak, wearing funky '70s threads, on a stage.]

Zorak:

[singing] Like I said, I hate you jerks,
What a bunch of stupid jerks.

[Carmine watches and grins.]

Zorak:

[continuing singing] I'll smack you up and stomp you down,
Stomp you back to uglytown, or maybe I'll kick your fat ass!

[Applause and whistles.]

Zorak:

That's all you get, morons. Now go ta Hell.

[Louder cheers, applause, and whistles. Zorak walks backstage to Carmine.]

Carmine:

Yippa yippa hey go go go!

Zorak:

Ahh, I just don't get it.

Carmine:

What's up your chute?

Zorak:

I tell 'em how much I hate 'em and they love me for it.

Carmine:

Ah, so what if you're makin' the poor slobs happy?

Zorak:

I hate it, that's what. I liked it a lot better when I was makin' 'em miserable.

Carmine:

Yeah, but the money's good, right?

Zorak:

What money? You haven't paid me yet!

Carmine:

That's 'cause we're broke, honey baby! And I ain't cookin' the books, if that's what ya think!

Zorak:

What happened? We musta make a fortune.

Carmine:

Yeah, but that was before taxes! Then the market tanked and the ex-wife came climbin' up my pole again... But don't worry, big daddy, we'll make more money!

Zorak:

No we won't, 'cause I quit. Now gimme my voice back.

Carmine:

Hah! Sorry, junior, but I've had a taste of the good life and there ain't no way I'm goin' back to clown town! So long, sucker!

[Laughing, Carmine flies away with a Jetsons-like sound effect.]

[Fade in on the exterior of Brak's family's house, then the kitchen. Dad is reading the newspaper. Brak is wearing a pineapple costume. Zorak boings into frame.]

Zorak:

Uh, where's my lunch?

Brak:

[sarcastically] Oh, look who's here, mister "wins the talent show, deserts his best friend to be a famous singer only to find that he's unhappy makin' people happy [gasps and continues, shouting] and not gettin' paid so he quits the music business and comes back beggin' for my forgiveness which I will happily give"! [gasps for breath again, then continues tearfully] I love you, Zorak!

Zorak:

Stay away from me.

Brak:

[cheerfully] Okay, that's settled. Now we need to get'cha voice back. Where's Carmine?

Zorak:

Damned if I know.

Dad:

[reading the paper] According to this he has used Zorak's money to purchase the most splendid mansion in Mansionland.

Zorak:

He said we were broke!

Dad:

[looking over the paper] No, it says here that was a lie.

[Brak and Zorak walk offstage.]

Brak:

C'mon, buddy, we're headin' for Mansionland! It's time to put a lump in your throat!

[The doorbell rings]

Dad:

Thundercleese - does not - live here!

[Another Cloneborg is standing behind the table.]

Another Cloneborg:

I know where he lives. I'd rather not go down there. I don't want [bleeps and lowers his head partway into his body] to die.

Dad:

[surprised] Ah. Let me get you a deviled egg.

[Wipe to a large but not quite mansionesque house, at the front door of which Brak and Zorak are standing. Violin music plays in the background. Fade to Carmine, who is asleep, his jar on a red velvet cushion. There is a knocking sound. Carmine opens his eyes. Cut to the exterior of the doorwat. Brak is wearing a derby hat and a moustache. A window opens at eye height in the door.]

Carmine:

Yeah, what can I do ya for, chief?

Brak:

Brak:

[speaking in a manly voice much like Zorak's] Greetings. I have recently been told that I have a beautiful man voice.

[We see Brak standing in front of the door. Zorak is off to the side, providing the actual voice.]

Brak/Zorak:

[continuing] I am currently looking for someone who can make me a successful singer on the stage.

Carmine:

Well, you've come to the right place! That voice 'a yours is money in the bank! That's right, a bank fulla money!

Brak/Zorak:

I certainly hope I won't have to shave off my handsome moustache and derby hat.

Carmine:

Are you kiddin'? Don't touch it! C'mon in!

Brak:

Get 'im, Zorak!

[Zorak leaps at Carmine. Brak reacts as they fight offscreen. Cut to Zorak swallowing Carmine with some effort.]

Zorak:

Welcome home, jackass!

Brak:

Zorak, you got'cher voice back! We did it! Boy, I'm sure happy that we're friends again

Zorak:

[slamming the door in Brak's face] Get lost!

Brak:

Oof!

[Brak is lying on his back in front of the door. His hat and moustache have been knocked off.]

Brak:

[shouting] Great ta have you back, buddy!

[The camera pulls back for a full view of the "mansion".]

Brak:

My nose is bleedin'.