The Brak Show: Time Machine

September 2, 2001

[Fade in on Brak's lower half as the theme music plays. He is bouncing in time with the music. Pan down to the floor, on which the title "Diff'rent Braks" appears. Cut to a head-and-shoulders shot of Brak's mother, beside which the words "starring Marsha Crenshaw" appear. Brak's father looks over his newspaper; by his head are the words "George Lowe." Zorak is blasting a backpack-mounted flamethrower, above which are the words "C. Martin Croker." Brak looks around a corner, and on the wall are the words "and Andy Merrill as Brak." Cut to a shot of a very nice, very symmetrical house on a neatly-cut, symmetrical lawn. Dissolve to the first scene of the show.]

[Fade in on the kitchen. Brak's mother is standing behind the table and Brak's father is reading a newspaper.]

Dad:

Darling, what is for dinner tonight?

Mom:

Oh, nothing.

Dad:

[lowering the newspaper] I hope that's a clever name for something.

Mom:

You know what, hon, I just didn't feel like cooking.

Dad:

Well, maybe I don't feel like going to work tomorrow!

Mom:

You don't have a job, dear.

Dad:

[He raises his newspaper again and speaks in a low voice.] Thank God your papa got money. [louder] Ah! Fish Pockets is holding their annual Salute to Crabs! Lets make a night of it, darling. Call the boys!

[Mom puts a hand to her mouth and lets out a vibrating wail. Fade to Brak, who is responding with his own vibraty call.]

Zorak:

Bam!

[Brak and Zorak are in front of the TV, playing a video game.]

Zorak:

Bam!

Brak:

Oh! Oh, that's my head!

[On the TV screen, crude Atari 2600-ish characters are fighting. One vaguely resembling Zorak is kicking one vaguely resembling Brak in the head. Brak and Zorak yelp out monosyllabically along with the game.]

Mom:

[voiceover] Brak, get down here, I said.

Brak:

[shouting] In a minute, Mom!

[Zorak laughs evilly. The game blips like an Atari 2600 Pac-Man game.]

[Wipe to the kitchen. Zorak and Brak walk into frame.]

Mom:

Well, what've you boys been up to all weekend?

Brak:

We been playin' headkicker!

Zorak:

I been playin'. You've been gettin' a red-ass beatdown. Ha hah!

Dad:

Well, now, get everybody's fish-tasting mouth into the vehicle, we're all going to Fish Pockets.

Brak:

Fish Pockets?!
[singing] Alla the wonders of the sea
Will be served up hot to me
Baked or broiled or lightly breaded
Just the thought makes me lightheaded
Can there be a smarter thought
'N a bowl of tartar sauce
Fish Pockets, here I come!

Mom:

Hold on there, buster! Have you finished your homework?

Brak:

Well, I... no.

Mom:

No homework, no fish pockets.

Brak:

Aaaaaah! Can't I do it when I get back?

Dad:

You had your chance and you blew it. Life is not about the second chances. It's about the little mouse, and his voyage to an exciting new land. That, my friend, is what life is.

Brak:

But, Dad, I'm a growin' boy! I need fish!

Dad:

Brak, let me tell you a little story. Long ago-

Zorak:

[interrupting] Hey, can I go to the bathroom?

Mom:

Of course, dear.

[Dad clears his throat. Zorak sits in the chair behind the table and makes low grunts as the others speak.]

Dad:

Long ago, in the days when the buttery lobster walked the Earth, he was ruled by the delicious crab.

Mom:

Oh, don't tell that story, he'll have nightmares.

Brak:

No I won't! What happened to the buttery lobster, Dad, huh?

Dad:

He was strangled, by his own bib.

Zorak:

Oh God...

Dad:

Many people suspected the delicious crab-

Zorak:

Uhh...

Dad:

[continuing] but he was nowhere to be found.

Zorak:

Shewww....

Dad:

Unless that's him right behind you!

Brak:

[looking back] Oh no!

Dad:

Look out!

Brak:

[???]

[Brak runs.]

Dad:

Ah ha! I fooled you again, boy! Go change your pants.

[Brak is hiding behind Mom's back. Zorak is standing behind the table.]

Mom:

[to Zorak] Zorak, I thought you were going to the bathroom.

Zorak:

I did.

Mom:

[looking down] Oh, dear.

Dad:

This is probably a good time to leave.

Brak:

[pleading] Isn't there any way I can come along?

Dad:

Of course there is, my son.

Brak:

[excited] Really?

Dad:

Simply do your homework - yesterday - and you're all set!

Brak:

Wait a minute. How can I do that?!

Dad:

You can't! I fooled you again, boy! [hopping down off his chair] Mother, we go! [he walks off] Heh! Hah, oh! Oh...

Brak:

[yelling after them] You go ahead, then, eat on the poopdeck! Rub the magic clam! Get your picture taken with Gary Grouper, see if I care! [tearfully] 'Cause I do!

Zorak:

Eh, what's the big deal? Fish Pockets sucks, homework sucks, everything sucks.

Brak:

Hey, you shoulda done your homework too, bub! One more F and you're goin' right back to Gramma Prison!

[Camera on Zorak. a prison background fades in as a few harp notes play. A yellow uniform numbered "655321" appears on Zorak. He is holding a scrubbing brush in his hands. As "Grandma" yells he looks over, then shuts his eyes.]

Grandma:

[voiceover] Zorak! Time to scrub my feet again!

Zorak:

Ohhhh...

Other Grandmas:

Scrub me too, boy! Zorak! Zorak!

[The harp plays, and he fades back into the reality of Brak's kitchen.]

Zorak:

[eyes closed] Uhhhh! I ain't goin' back there. I can't.

Brak:

[singing] Well, ya might as well get ready for a date with Grandma's feet,
And I might as well forget the crabs that I was born ta eat
'Cause we didn't do our homework for the love of Pete!
If only we could go back in time...

Zorak:

We need a freakin' time machine!

Brak:

Yeah, like the one in Mr. Thundercleese's back yard.

Zorak:

What?

Brak:

Course, he's on vacation...

[Cut to Thundercleese on a surf board, riding a curling wave and blasting in random directions with his hand rockets.]

Thundercleese:

Out of my way! Ha ha! Taste defeat!

Brak:

An' I got the key in my pocket...

Zorak:

Really.

Brak:

But it's my haunted pocket! When I bought these pants I found a note in there, it said 'inspected by number forty-seven.' Number forty-seven?! What about the other forty-six? Were they not good enough to inspect my pants?!

Zorak:

[interrupting and raising a fist] Just gimme the damn key!

[Wipe to Thundercleese's back yard. Brak and Zorak are standing in front of a small wooden building labeled "Time Shed." It has a moon on the door.]

Zorak:

So here's what we do. We go back to Friday,

Brak:

And we make a kite outta squirrels and fly it to the moon!

Zorak:

No, we track ourselves down,

Brak:

Then what?

Zorak:

We make our other selves do the homework!

Brak:

Hey, Zorak, can I ask you a question?

Zorak:

Yeah, what?

Brak:

Where are we gonna find enough squirrels to make a kite?

Zorak:

Are you really that stupid?

Brak:

Oooh! I dare you to say that again! Only this time, say 'Brak, I love you!'

Zorak:

Let's go!

[They walk into the time shed. The door closes. It glows with a golden light and we hear neat sounds as if some really cool special effects were going on inside. Then it flashes, and all looks normal again. Brak and Zorak walk out of the Time Shed. They stop just outside.]

Zorak:

Look, there we are.

[Brak and Zorak are walking toward them on the sidewalk.]

Zorak:

[voiceover] Check out the vest.

[The original Brak and Zorak walk up to the earlier Brak and Zorak, making a perfect mirror image.]

Brak:

[holding up a hand] Hello, my name is Brak!

Earlier Brak:

[holding up a hand] Hello, my name is Brak!

[Zorak walks behind them.]

Brak:

[holding up a finger] I live in a house down the street!

Earlier Brak:

[holding up a finger] I live in a house down the street!

Brak:

I'm wearin' clean underwear.

Earlier Brak:

You are not!

Brak:

You got me!

[Brak starts laughing. Earlier Brak joins in.]

Brak:

Oh hoo!

[The two Zoraks stare at each other, rubbing their hands together alternately. The Braks continue talking, their voices barely audible in the background.]

Earlier Zorak:

So who are you guys?

Zorak:

We're you from the future.

Earlier Zorak:

[turning his head] Yeah, well, whaddaya want?

Zorak:

[turning his head] To tell ya that ya have ta do your homework by Sunday night.

Earlier Zorak:

Now why in the hell would I-

Zorak:

[interrupting] Gramma prison.

[The camera closes in on Earlier Zorak. He looks around as we hear sinister, echoing old-lady laughter.]

Earlier Zorak:

Ughhh. I ain't goin' back there!

[Over to the two Braks. The Zoraks can be heard talking in the background.]

Zorak:

Ugh, you and me both, jack.

Earlier Brak:

Say, who does your hair?

Brak:

Oh, I usually go to Paul down at Hairadise City.

Earlier Brak:

Oh, he's a dream.

[And back to the Zoraks.]

Earlier Zorak:

Whadda you guys gonna do while we're doin' homework?

Zorak:

Probably play Headkicker.

Earlier Zorak:

[pointing] Count me in!

Earlier Brak:

Hey, can we play too?

Brak:

I should say so! It's our game, isn't it?

Earlier Brak:

Hey, let's wash ourselves!

Brak:

Oh, yeah, then we'll be nice and clean when we get to the future!

Earlier Brak:

Yeah buddy!

Brak:

Yeah buddy!

Earlier Brak:

Yeah buddy!

Brak:

Yeah buddy!

Earlier Brak:

Yeah buddy!

[Both Braks begin singing in falsetto to disco-ish music.]

Both Braks:

[singing] Yeah-ah-ah-ah buddy!

Earlier Brak:

[singing] It don't matter how ya say it

Both Braks:

[singing] Long as you say it but don't spray it!
Yeah, buddy!

Brak:

Let's go play!

[Wipe to the video game screen. The Zorak-like figure is stepping on the head of the Braklike figure. Brak and Zorak are rhubarbing along with the game, and the earlier Brak and Zorak are watching over their shoulders. Brak's mother does her Brak Call.]

Brak:

Oh no! This's the time they talk about goin' to Fish Pockets!

Earlier Brak:

Fish Pockets? Let's eat!

Brak:

We can't! We didn't do our homework!

Earlier Brak:

Man, oh, I gotta hear it, "Welcome to Fish Pockets, sir, how many in the party," I say "That's me!"

Brak:

We're not goin', Brak!

Earlier Brak:

[softly] But I'm hungry!

[The two Zoraks look at each other.]

Both Zoraks:

Time shed!

[Both Braks and Zoraks walk into the Time Shed. On the sidewalk two Braks wave to a third Brak; two Zoraks stare at a third, rubbing their hands. Shot of the Headkicker game; one pair of Brak and Zorak is playing it and the others are watching from behind. Brak's mother gives the Brak Call.]

Brak:

Oh no!

[The Time Shed glows golden. Two Braks dance beside two other. Shot of the Headkicker game, the Zorak figure jumping up and down on the Brak figure's stomach. A bunch of Braks and Zoraks walk into the Time Shed. Four Braks wave to a fifth. The Headkicker Zorak is jumping on the Brak figure's head and stomach. One pair of Brak and Zorak is playing it and over a dozen others are watching from behind. Brak's mother gives the Brak Call.]

Brak:

Oh no!

[The Time Shed glows golden. A row of Braks and Zoraks march out, carrying one Brak above their heads. Shot of the Headkicker game, the Zorak figure jumping up and down on the Brak figure's stomach. The Time Shed glows golden. A row of Braks and Zoraks march. The Headkicker Zorak is jumping on the Brak figure's head and stomach. Brak's mother gives the Brak Call.]

Brak:

Oh no!

[Finally, Brak and Zorak are playing the game, with a room crammed full of Braks and Zoraks watching. The Zoraks are blinking loudly and out of sync.]

Zorak:

Wait a minute, this ain't workin'. Nobody's doin' the homework.

Another Brak:

I haven't eaten in twenty-five days!

Yet Another Brak:

Me neither!

A Third Other Brak:

Somebody, feed me!

The Fourth Other Brak:

We're never gonna get to Fish Pockets!

Brak:

I wish there was no such thing as homework!

Zorak:

We can arrange that.

Brak:

How?

Zorak:

We need to go back to the day homework was invented!

[The camera closes in on Brak, who dramatically slides forward, away from the rest of the scene. He gapes.]

Zorak:

And kill it!

Another Zorak:

Yeah, kill it!

Yet Another Zorak:

Stop that crap in its tracks!

[The Zoraks rhubarb "Yeah!" and "Woohoo!"]

Zorak:

Well, you guys aren't goin'.

[The other Zoraks grumble.]

[Wipe to a castle on a hill. Birds of prey cry ominously overhead. Cut to the interior. A glowing microscope appears, floating in the air.]

Merlin:

The microscope!

[The microscope is replaced by a floating, glowing, winged lawn mower.]

Marlon:

The flying lawn mower!

[Two wizards, identical but for the colors of their robes, are standing inside the castle. A syringe filled with green stuff appears above them. The wizard in blue, Merlin, lowers his hands.]

Merlin:

Penicillin!

[The wizard in pink, Marlon, raises his hands. The syringe is replaced by a yellow shower head.]

Marlon:

[lowering his arms] The golden shower head!

[Merlin raises his hands. The yellow shower head is replaced by a car engine.]

Merlin:

[lowering his arms] The combustion engine!

Marlon:

[raising his hands] Behold!

[A glow flashes on Marlon's head, replacing his hat with a helmet with a can on either side.]

Marlon:

The double beer hat! Check it out.

Merlin:

Marlon, what good is that?

Marlon:

Whaddaya talkin' about? It's twice as good as the beer hat!

Merlin:

But, Marlon, I can't see that you-

Marlon:

Get off my back!

[Glittery lights appear and resolve into Brak and Zorak.]

Merlin:

Who are you?

Brak:

Well, my name is Brak, and this big green fella here is named-]

Zorak:

[to Brak] N'I'll handle this. [to the wizards, in a low voice] We are the Presidents of The Future!

Marlon:

Ooh, good day to you, Mr. Presidents!

Merlin:

Why have you come to us?

Zorak:

[low voice] One of your inventions has destroyed the future! People are suffering and starving!

Brak:

[stage whisper] Zorak, what's wrong with yer voice?

Zorak:

[to Brak] Shuttup, they're buyin' it.

Brak:

[stage whisper] D'you need a lozenge?

Zorak:

[to Brak] Naw, I'm good. [low voice, to the wizards] The streets are filled with wickedness and filth!

Brak:

The fun is gone, it's gone, it's outta here!

Zorak:

[low voice, waving his fist] It's bad! Very bad!

Merlin:

Asti Spumante! Which of our inventions has caused this misery?

Zorak:

[low voice] It goes by the name... [very low voice] homework!

[Dramatic musical sting. The camera pans to the first wizard's face.]

Merlin:

I was just about to invent that!

Marlon:

See! I toldja that was a dumb idea! But nobody listens to Marlon! He's just an old fool with a beer hat!

Merlin:

I don't see how homework could-

Marlon:

[interrupting] Listen to 'em, Merlin, they're from the damn future!

Merlin:

Well, what can we do to prevent all this suffering?

Zorak:

[low voice] You must uninvent [very low voice] homework!

[Dramatic musical sting. The camera closes in on one of Zorak's pupils. Brak and Zorak dissolve into the glittery lights from whence they came. As they fade out Zorak speaks.]

Zorak:

[low voice] The Presidents have spoken!

Marlon:

How 'bout that? Meetin' the Presidents!

Merlin:

We must destroy all the inventions! [The camera focuses on his face as the background pulls back dramatically.] Who knows what damage we've already done?

[Fade in on the exterior of Brak's house. Then fade in on the kitchen. Brak and Zorak walk in.]

Mom:

Well, what have you boys been up to all weekend?

Zorak:

Well, I'll tell you one thing we haven't been doin', Mom. Our homework!

[Dramatic musical sting. The camera pans to Dad, who has his hand to his chin in a thoughtful pose.]

Dad:

Home...work.

[Dramatic musical sting. The camera closes in on Dad.]

Dad:

What is this homework you speak of? [laughing] Mother, have you ever heard of such a thing?

Mom:

[laughs] I certainly haven't! My goodness!

Brak:

[stage whispering to Zorak] Zorak, it worked!

Dad:

What worked?

Brak:

My stomach works, Daddy! Let's get some fish pockets!

Dad:

Fishapocket? What're you talking about, son?

Brak:

I'm talking about fish pockets, my favorite restaurant!

Dad:

Brak, your favorite restaurant has always been Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze.

Brak:

Really? [thoughtfully] That sounds pretty good.

Dad:

I'm glad you see it that way, son.

[Soft piano music plays and the camera slowly closes in on Dad as he speaks.]

Dad:

Life is too short to worry about eating and making kites from animals. Better to use your time for the schoolwork. Only at the school, of course. And maybe you'll grow up to be someday the President of the Future! Or you could be snatched up by a gigantic terrible bird and torn limb from the limb alone on a mountain top. Eh, do you understand what I'm saying, son?

[The kitchen is almost filled with Braks. Several are visible outside through the window.]

Braks:  

Yeah, buddy!

Brak:

[singing as the credits appear over a shot of a curling wave minus Thundercleese] Yeah, buddy! Yeah, buddy! Yeah, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-buddy! Y-y-y-yeah yeah y-y-y-y-y-y-yeah yeah b-b-b-b-b-b-b-buddy buddy buddy! Yeah buddy! Yeah buddy! Yeah, buddy!