Written by
Silver
Tiger
(We cut to the deck of the SOL where Tom and Crow are hunched over a computer screen.)
Crow: Yes! Give it six
arms! And a spiky head!
Tom: Look, I told you I
can't figure that part out.
Crow: But
WHY?
Tom: This is very delicate
as it is and I can't control how it looks when it's finished.
Crow: Why
not?
Tom: They don't come with
manuals. I don't know why not. You just can't.
Mike: (Walking in, reading
something Hemmingway-ish.) Hey fellas. So what're you two lovable little
scamps up to today?
Crow: Ahh! Nothing! Nothing
at all! (laughs nervously) Why, we were just here engrossed in the
fascinating world of solitaire and-
Mike: Both of
you?
Crow: Er-I like to
watch.
Mike: (Leaning in)
Wait a minute-what's THAT?
Tom: Oh, just some assembly
language. You know. Thought I'd try to whip up a program or two. Ah
ha.
Bob: (Walking on reading
a Calvin and Hobbes book) Hi there. What's proces-(looks at the screen
and his jaw drops) Oh my USER! You're- (Drops his comic and runs
off.)
Mike: Okay, I'm not that
dense. What's going on?
Tom: Well Mike, what with
the huge culture and myriad species to be found in Bob's world, we thought
we'd try to replicate a part of it here.
Crow: So we're programming
a virus.
Tom: Just a small
one.
Crow: Out of
curiosity.
Mike: Ah. And that
computer-programming to solid four-dimensional matter transmitter there?
How exactly does that fit in for your plans for a virus?
(We pan to the left where a massive, hulking steel-blue machine is sitting next to the computer.)
Crow: Well it'd be no fun
if we didn't get to see what it looked like.
Mike: Right, right. Got
it. You know, it's good to see you having fun and being constructive like
this but are you two NUTS? Viruses are programmed to be EVIL! Remember
Megabyte? That tall blue guy who sends us movies? Who just happens to BE
a virus?
Tom: Sheesh, stop spazzing
Nelson.
Crow: Yeah Mike. We support
your little hobbies, but the MOMENT we come up with something different then
it's all "Oh no, you can't do THAT. It's too dangerous. We all might get
killed."
Mike: Yeah that's...kind
of my point.
Tom: Well it's almost finished
and I worked FAR too long on this to just throw it away. Crow!
Crow: Yeeees?
Tom: (In full Mad Scientist
mode) Throw ze swtitch!
Mike: Oh,
God...
(Crow cackles madly and pulls down a large lever. The machine begins to whir and hum sinisterly. At that moment Bob runs back on with an axe.)
Bob: All right-halt now
in the name of the guardian collective or have your machinery
destroyed!
Tom: Muahahaha! It's too
late now Bob! The experiment's done. It MUST go on! For
science!
Crow: (Creepy 'Igor'
voice) Eh-heh-press the button master!
(Before Bob can lunge at the equipment Servo gives a last insane laugh and presses the 'enter' key. Lightning and smoke fills the air. Everyone starts running around in panic. Unbeknownst to them the mads button starts flashing. )
Tom: It's a-*cough* al-*cough*
alive-*cough* alive! (Major coughing fit)
Crow: *Wheeze* I think
we burnt the engine out though!
Tom: It'll *choke* be all
worth it when *hack* we get to see our *gag* creation!
Bob: Not if *gasp* I delete
it *cough* first!
Mike: I think the *heave*
Mod Squad is calling!
(We see a fist flailing blindly in the smoke connect with the button. Pearl, Megabyte and friends are watching in bemusement.)
Pearl: (Shaking her head) Tsk. You boys. Always into something. When will you ever learn to leave the mad-scientisting to the professionals?
(SOL. The smoke's beginning to thin out.)
Tom: Ha! Call me mad, do
you? Well *gasp* who's mad NOW, eh? Behold my *choke*
masterpiece!
Mike: We WOULD if we could
SEE it.
(A soft growl escapes something's mouth. Abruptly what we can spot of the crew freezes. The smoke clears away and we see-)
Bob: (Lowering the axe,
face softening) Aww...I can't delete THAT.
Mike: Servo, he's
adorable!
Crow: Eee! Coochie coochie
coo!
(The virus is sitting on the desk. It's about a foot long, green, segmented, and shaped like a caterpillar. It's even fuzzy. It gently starts to inch its way to Servo, cooing.)
Tom: No, no, NO! I'm supposed to have some sort of death-bringing, multi-clawed FIEND! Not this!
(The baby virus crawls up to Tom and starts butting its head against him gently in affection.)
Tom: No! Go on, shoo you...you
Pokemon reject!
Virus: Whhrr?
Crow: Look, he knows you're
his daddy!
Virus: Grrww.
(Widowmaker)
Megabyte: (Chuckling) Well congratulations Mr. Servo! You're a father. And in the shortage of a cigar to pass around, we have something less toxic yet more painful for you.
(SOL)
Crow: (Sourly) Great
timing you guys have here.
Tom: Aw nuts. (The virus
starts crawling up Tom's arm. He tries to shake it off to no avail.)
Bob? Mike? A little help?
Bob: Oh no Tom. YOU wanted
a virus, YOU got it.
Mike: Hope you're ready
for all the responsibilities.
Tom: Like
what?
Mike: Feeding it, reading
it bedtime stories, sending it to a decent college...
Tom: (Panicky) What?
I can't do that! I have my whole life ahead of me! I don't want to be a
father!
Mike: Teaching it not to
cross busy streets, buying it birthday gifts...
(Widowmaker)
Bobo: (Helpfully)
Giving him flea dips...
Pearl: Enough yakking.
Time for your delightful piece of drek today which is titled "A New Life
To Live". And guess what? (Camera zooms into her delighted face) It's
a sequel!
(Various groans of pain from the SOL)
(Widowmaker)
Pearl: (Gleefully) I knew you'd like it! Guess whose sequel it is! Go on, guess!
(SOL)
Crow:
Emidecimal's?
Tom: Cyber
Cat's?
Bob: Silver
Tiger's?
Mike: Jo
Ann's?
(Widowmaker)
Megabyte: Wrong, wrong,
wrong, and just wait till next week.
Pearl: Today's fic happens
to be written by Julia Cat and it's the sequel to "Revenge". You guys remember
that one? Cheap season 3 re-hash? Kind of mushy?
(SOL)
Tom: Wait! I can't go into
the theater with this-thing-wrapped around my head!
Crow: Let's name him
Woozy!
Tom: WOOZY?
Crow: Well I suppose YOU
have a name already picked out for him then?
Tom: Actually I think he
looks more like a Harvey...
Mike: We'll get out the
baby naming books later but for now it's MOVIE SIGN!
